AFRIKAANS OOM KOOS

Oom Koos van die Oos Transvaal besit sy plasie nou al vir donkiejare.
Skuins agter die bloekoms het hy destyds vir sy kinders die plaasdam in 'n swemplek omskep en goed ingerig, met piekniektafels, braaigeriewe en vrugtebome.
Een aand, so skemer se kant, besluit Oom Koos, in sy eensaamheid, om bietjie daar by die dam te gaan sit. Hy neem toe ook 'n emmer saam om 'n paar van die vrugte terug te neem huis toe.
Soos wat hy aangestap kom, hoor hy vrolike stemme gesels en giggel. Hy val plat agter 'n bos en loer deur die takke om te sien wat aangaan. Tot sy swak hart beleef hy 'n groep kaal meisies wat in die dam swem. Hy staan toe op en stap nader om die meisies te laat weet hulle betree eintlik 'n ander man se eiendom... Toe hulle hom sien, sak hulle almal laer af, sodat die water die nodige toemaak.
Een van die meisies skreeu benoud op die oom: "Ons klim nie uit voor oom nie weggaan nie!"
"Nee, nee, bedaar niggie, ek is nie hier om te kyk hoe die spulletjie van julle kaal swem nie....." Hy hou die emmer omhoog en sê:
"Ek is net gou hier om die krokodil kos te gee.................." 

Never mess with a women

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST  She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.  Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.  Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.  And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.  'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.  'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN  (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)  I know I'm not going to understand women.  I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,  and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS  A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.  She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?  He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco  and some rolling papers; cause "it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.  So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.  (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND  A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.  As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'  'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws'

WORDS  A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.  30,000 to a man's 15,000.  The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION  A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be  so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.  'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! !

WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.  The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cook ing around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'  Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'  So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment  A man and his wife were having some problems at home  and were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him  at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.   He left it where he knew she would find it.  The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,  when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.  The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

A women is having s#x with her lover in an apartment 20 stories high.

Suddenly her husband returns from a long trip, and she hears him approaching in the apartment,

So she tells the lover: “do not move at all… I will resolve this situation!”

Comes the husband: “who is this?” asked the husband

Wife: “oh sweetie… this is jus a robot I bought to have s#x with when u not around, so that I don’t have to cheat with your friends or with the neighbours…

I did it because u spend all the time travelling and u know that I…uhhm… have needs!!”

Husband: “oh honey I understand perfectly well… I believe u… ok let’s do a quickie now, I came home as fast as I can and I’m extremely horny now!!”

Wife: “ OH NO DARLLING… yesterday I got my period… u better take a bath, I’ll prepare u sumthing to eat so long”

The lover is left with the husband in the room alone, while the wife walked out…

Husband: “D@mn I’m so fcken horny... I am going to fck this robot instead..” he tries entering the robot from his behind…

With a metallic and robotic voice the lover proclaims : “SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE!!… SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE!!”

The husband says: “fck this crappy robot… I’m going to throw it out of the god d@mn window!!” the lover realises that he’s 20 stories high in the apartment and exclaims:

“SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! U MAY TRY AGAIN… I REPEAT… TRY AGAIN!!!” 

As I Mature

Jason