Thursday, 19 July 2012
LIE DETECTOR
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they
lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!
'Ok, I watched a DVD at my mates!'
'What DVD?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!
'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says
the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps the mum!
The Blonde Pilot..
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a
two-seater
airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a
May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a
heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and
clear. I will talk you
through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot
of experience
with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be
fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says,
"I'm 5'4"
and I'm
in the
front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in
Heaven. . . ...."
NATAL (SOUTH AFRICA) CURRY CONTEST
If you can read this whole story without laughing then
there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take
time to read this slowly.
For those of you who
have lived in Natal, South Africa, you will know how typical this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off competition about
June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal
Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who
was visiting
From America.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a
Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking for
directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was
assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't
be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shxt, what the hell is this stuff?
You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are
crazy.
CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili
tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who
Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in
more beer
When they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE
GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose
feels like
I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the
routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pixxed from
all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen,
the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
200kg woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must
admit the
chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I fxrted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage.
Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pixxes me off
that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shxt myself if I
fxrt and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined
to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to
wipe my xss with a
snow cone ice-cream.
CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE"
CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on
canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note
at this
stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in
a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm
not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry.
Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry.
Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
fxrted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top
of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd
have
reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.
What do you think they're talking about???
What
do you think they're talking about???
Boy1: Hey, my broe…ken jy my pa eet kers?
• Boy 2: Jy
lieg!!!
• Boy1: Ek sê
jou my broe
• Boy 2: Hoekom
sê jy so?
• Boy1: In die
aand as ons slaap dan sê hy vir my ma ,Maraai, maak dood die kers en kom gee my
stukkie!
.
LOL!!!!!!
Monday, 16 July 2012
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